unsympathetic

my uncle died on monday, and i feel bad that i don’t feel worse.

i mean, i feel bad for my grandma. first my dad dies, and then two years later my uncle. no woman ever expects to survive her children, and here she is, having beaten two of them.

i stayed home from work today. i don’t know if it’s because i’m sad i’m not sad, but i feel like crap.

oh, and i broke my necklace while combing my hair. so i’m sufficiently pissed about that.

i’m thinking about blogging again. not tumblr, but long form, back like i used to.

i think first i might need to get used to short form again.

last night i dreamed that i was going to knit a sweater for my cousin—

of course, in my dream he was five instead of 19. and for some reason, i was having a problem finding enough yarn in the same dye lot to make it (i only needed two balls).

i have now woken up with a hankering to make baby sweaters. or baby something, with all of the left-over balls of yarn i have from my christmas knitting. and no, there is no baby on the way.

but i’m sure someone is going to have one eventually, and then i’ll be ready.

i keep having the most random dreams. and the weirdest part? every time my dad shows up in one, i know almost immediately it’s a dream, and do nothing to change it.

i have had oddly strange dreams my whole life, but since my dad died in may, they have moved to a whole new level. my dad isn’t the first person i know to have died, but he’s the only one who seems to take a bit part in my dreams frequently.

the first time he showed up, i dreamed it was a family gathering, and everyone was acting all normal. there my dad was, standing in the kitchen, talking to one of my aunts. no one seemed at all surprised about this, but i was gobsmacked. the only thing my internal monolog could say was “you know he’s dead, right? you know this is probably the last time he’ll be here” but no one knew that.

so for me, every time my dad pops up in the dream, i don’t try to change the dream in fear of him some how popping back out of it.  but i do generally spend the rest of the dream hugging him, because that’s what i miss the most.

dad hugs.

you should get them while you can. they’re pretty awesome, and better in real life than in dreams.

turns out, this isn’t fun any more.

i have a shitty part time job. the only job i’ve been able to find in the six months from graduation is nine hours a week at a box craft store, stocking shelves.

i would really like to feel like a productive, contributing adult to this here society.

i think i’ll go knit some mittens.

I like lists. And it’s much easier to think in a list these days. So here. It’s exciting:

• My brother just bought himself a new electric guitar and amp. I hope this means that he’s starting to get happy again. Also that he’ll finally take the rest of the musical crap lying around the house here home.
• I’m still looking for a job. Sigh. I’m so ready to work.
• I’ve convinced my mom to clean the garage with me this weekend. I’ve already done part. I hope we get to throw out some crap. I am not a packrat, and the amount of stuff cluttering up this place drives me nuts.
• Video editing sucks on a laptop. I’ve been working on some homevideos from camping for a “reunion” party this weekend. Trying to cut four hours down to something managable. We’ll see.
• I miss all my friends. YOU HEAR THAT? I MISS YOU!
• I really want a strawberry shake.

I have the hiccups right now and it really sucks. Also sucky is that my macbook is semi-frozen while I rip family videos and that I’m pretty sure no one is listening to me anymore.

My own fault for sure, if anyone ever was listening to begin with.